MEN FROM MARS?

I have extracted this from H. Norman Wright in the topic “The Private Male.” He writes on what men fears and their need to control. Please ah...this is only a fraction written on them...unfair lah just to say this bit about them...so...go buy the book "What Men Want" - why men think, feel and act the way they do.

I read all kinds of books and it helps me in my counselling sessions. I cannot be bias mah! Married ladies share a lot with me on their family issues.... and maybe that is the reason why I am remaining single...hehehe...just kidding...

It is sad to hear how much of our lives as men is dominated by fear. Ironically, we choose to be controlled by it when what we really want is to be in control of everything in our lives! Men’s emotional withdrawal costs big time.

Robert Hicks said it well: “We can hide in the closets of competition, use emotional walls to protect us or flee from the reality of our deepest fears, but when we do, we flee from our own manhood.”

Although men camouflage their fears, the telltale evidence of fear surfaces in many ways. Rigidity and explosiveness can be traced to fear, as can obsessive quests and unattainable pursuits.

Excessive competitiveness and personal dumping on themselves for underachievement are reflections of other fears – of losing, failing and being second best.

Men fear being powerless, and will go to extremes to be in control and avoid situations in which they feel out of control. As a result, men are typically seen behind the wheel of a car rather than in the passenger seat, especially if their wives are with them. They seldom admit, “I think we’re lost and had better stop for directions.” Their fear of losing control is evident in the frustration created by slow drivers, waiting in line for a movie or restaurant or postponing visits to the doctor.

Why do men prefer dogs over cats? Have you ever tried to control a cat? You cannot. Cats are incorrigible, and have independent character disorders! If you tell a dog to come to you, it will. Give a cat the same order, and it will stare at you, yawn, lie down or walk the other way. Control! Yes, it’s an issue.

We fear being useless or unproductive, so we stay busy. We may see a purpose in our busyness even if no one else does.

We hide our fears of being needy and hurt by withdrawing and being even more silent. Our use of facts and logic as a way to live life and function well is a defense against the fear of facing emotions or having them overwhelm us so that we appear weak.

Thus, when a man is encouraged to share his inner personal world, those making the request may not understand the extent of the fear they are confronting.

How do men react when their wives encourage – or require – them to share their feelings?

“She knows – or ought to know – how I feel. I really don’t need to tell her, do I?”

“I’m just not sure how she will handle what I say. Yes, she likes to listen to the nice, positive, loving things. But when we discuss controversial subjects, she either gets upset, defensive, wants to know why I feel that way, talks about it forever or all of the above.”

“If I don’t say I love her or that I have missed her or that she looks pretty in the right way, she gets upset. When I do express these feelings, she responds with, “Really?” Or “Do you mean it?” I just hate that. She seems to be questioning my sincerity. “Why cant she accept my words at face value!”

“That’s just me. That’s the way I am. She may not like it, but that’s me. I’m quiet. I think (she hates to hear that word) most men are, and I wish women would accept this fact. Just because I don’t share a lot with her doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I do love her. I just don’t want to get into unending discussions.”

Men have learned clever techniques for withholding their feelings. The message they send to the world is that emotional expression and survival don’t mix – and they believe it!

Hmm…conclusion? Are men from Mars? Kakaka…anyway, whether we are single or married, young or old, we need to understand the opposite gender.. I think God has given us grace to accept one another and to work with one another so that we all reflect His image.

So, if we know that men don’t like to talk…and knowing women need to always talk… hmm…I always hear women share with me “He was so talkative before marriage, suddenly it is like he lost his voice..and he has lost it for many years..” Sad eh…guess that there has to be some compromise where communication can come through and the need to be understood … (or else why marry in the first place?...oops…okie…next topic please….).

-jo-